The Higher Self on LSD

This happened November 14 of 2015, more specifically the night of my 25th b-day, a Saturday night.

“Are you sure you don’t want to have a party at the house and invite your friends, instead?” Miguel (the man I live with and also my husband) said.
“I’m sure. I’m tired of hosting.”
“Not even your closest friends?”
“Are you sure? They’ll wonder why you don’t want to celebrate your birthday. You always do.”
“Let them wonder, then.”
This was one of the many conversations we had during the week leading up to Saturday, where he gently tried to dissuade me from my decision.

I had bought 2 tabs of lsd, but gave one as a gift to a friend and kept the other one for myself.
“Thanks for this.” He said, pocketing it. “Do you want to trip together like the last time?”
“I want to do it alone.”
“Miguel will be there with you?”
“Cool. He’s solid. He’ll be like, your shaman.” He said, passing me the joint.

At around 8:30pm Saturday night I decided it was time to take the acid. I started unrolling the tinfoil as I sat cross-legged on top of the couch.
“You should take half the tab.” Miguel said.
“You think?”
“The dealer told you it was a strong batch.”
On impulse, I put the whole tab in my mouth, feeling the metallic bitterness spread from the piece of paper outwards, numbing my tongue after a while. The tab sat there in my mouth for about ten minutes. Then I swallowed the paper.
Miguel took a deep breath. “Okay.”
He didn’t take any because he doesn’t do drugs.

45 minutes in. I’m lying down on the couch, and I start getting antsy. Everything around me starts feeling denser, more material. Even my body felt dense, my flesh felt way too carnal, way too heavy. I was feeling nauseous. Do not eat 2 plates of Chinese food plus some cake for dinner as dessert before taking acid… bad judgment. There was also some loud psychedelic music in the background that was seriously disorienting me. I ran to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later I hear knocks at the bathroom door. The tiles of the floor and walls were moving. I know the drug is hitting me… and I can tell already that it is strong. I opened the door. “Are you okay?” Miguel said. He had turned off the music. I didn’t even know what to say. My body… it felt so weak.

After vomiting for ten minutes straight, I suddenly had a tremendous awareness of how weak my flesh really was… of how a single bacteria or an accident of any sort can do it away… just like that. And then that thought led me to an awareness of how there are destructive forces within me and without me…surrounding me, surrounding everyone, always.

I walked out to the yard. “I need some space.” We have a level yard, but I was seeing a topsy-turvy hilly yard with moving blades of grass and different shades of green. I sat down in a corner. I was shaking slightly. The thoughts about the destructive forces had led me to think about everything that was destructive in my own life, and how I have been an agent of destruction of myself and of others for years.

I notice Miguel checking to see if there are any neighbors around before sitting down next to me. I could see different colored auras surrounding his body… white and silver and golden, swirling all around him.
“The darkness… it’s so strong.” I whispered.
“Yes.” He said. “But so is the light.”
He had understood me. And with that single sentence, he changed my perspective… I took a deep breath and resolved to focus on the light, and the burden started lifting.
I had just evaded a bad trip.

Back inside, soft gentle music, a video of marine life on mute. The sharks come out of the TV screen, there are planetary and starry patterns on the whale’s skin, I see colorful geometric patterns with my eyes closed or open, an elaborate pattern resembling ancient hieroglyphs but way more elaborate, almost alien-like, on top of the living room rug. It is a waking dream, I was surrounded by dreams.

The music envelops me, I notice every detail, every note. Some of it makes me cry, it touches my soul on a deeper level. My thoughts are expanded, I notice and absorb much more information than before. And then at one point, Miguel says, “Don’t forget about the Higher Forces.” And walks away to grab another beer.

The Higher Forces. The ones that are always there. The Higher Forces that are watching me whip up the dream state by force through the use of a substance. Suddenly I felt urgency. The Higher Forces need help. The destructive forces are strong, the Light needs all the help it can get.

At that moment, coming back, Miguel dropped his bottle of beer, spilling it over the floor.

Split decision-making: I could feel irritated… or I could help.

I stood up, walked to the kitchen, grabbed some paper towels and started picking up the pieces of glass and cleaning the floor. Miguel looks at me. “You’re cleaning up my mess in the middle of your trip. Why?”

“It’s the right thing to do.”

When I heard myself say those words, I made the connection. There is urgency in the spiritual worlds. The way to the Light is by thinking, feeling, and acting the right way… at all times. No matter the circumstances. Like helping clean up instead of becoming irritated that an accident interrupted my reflections.

At another peak point there was a shot in the marine life documentary of a bunch of identical jellyfishes floating around in the middle of the ocean. The shot was taken from the bottom up, so I was seeing the bottom part of this huge school of jellyfishes in my screen, and they all had the same X or cross pattern in the middle of their tiny circular bodies.

I thought: humanity is just like that school of jellyfishes. I am smarter and more capable and educated and talented than many people out there, but am I really that much better than a bum sitting on the corner of a street?

The answer felt like it came from another source:

Not really.

My ego resisted this. Of course I’m more important than a bum on the street. I continued watching the jellyfishes… All of them identical, all of them the same… a giant school of identical jellyfishes. I started thinking about how we are all the same in potential. How we are all capable of developing the same faculties, how we are all gifted with the same spirit seed…

If we are all the same in potential, then we are all equally important.

THAT thought, combined with the image of the jellyfishes, momentarily lifted my sense of ego enough for me to feel without identity, without gender, for a fraction of a moment.

Suddenly I thought of The Christ, and I felt it. I felt the truth… We are all the same. I cried again.

2am. The hallucinations had largely worn off. Miguel had fallen asleep. I was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. Contemplating life. I couldn’t sleep, but I wasn’t restless. I thought about how I wanted to become a mother, how I ached for it. I thought of Sophia, the cosmic mother. I thought of Michael. I felt reverence, deep reverence, during this contemplation. I did this for four hours straight. Just lying there in the dark, thinking and feeling.

6am. I got up from the bed and went out into the yard again and saw the first rays of sunlight. I closed my eyes and started meditating. Beautiful symmetrical duodecagons of a very light, very ethereal purple, pink and white floated in front of me as I meditated. Very peaceful. Very serene. I started reciting the Hail Mary, and the duodecagons got brighter. This was probably my favorite part of the trip.

The next six hours of Sunday morning I spent cleaning the house, in the afternoon I visited my in-laws, I cooked at night, all in a state of expanded clarity and serenity, and went to bed at 8pm. It was only the next day (Monday) that I felt fully normal again.

And that was my LSD trip

Jim Morrison said taking drugs was a gamble with your mind. Blavatsky said you end up paying the price one way or another. Steiner implied it was an illicit way of breaking through the threshold.

Do them at your own risk, kids.

7 thoughts on “The Higher Self on LSD

    • Hi Mark, I don’t. I tried it a couple times, to experiment really, and that’s it. Drugs are not a way to illumination and they can be harmful to your etheric, astral bodies and ego.

  1. I suppose I should add a little context – I’m a long time reader of Steiner and meditator and have also been of the impression that the use of drugs is harmful to spiritual work. I’ve been drug and alcohol free for about twenty years, myself. I came across your blog on the Anthro FB page.

  2. Good morning. And who should I find in the comments section of one of your most vivid posts? Okay, so he put me onto you 😉

    Firstly, when I was in my early twenties I had experiences whilst meditating; some were nice, some were decidedly not. The point being that since I was in control, I could decide that if something wasn’t nice, I could back off. You can’t do that if you are on drugs, and that is the reason for the warning Rudolf Steiner gave. Carlos Castaneda, who underwent the Toltec initiation, spoke of drugs in exactly the same way, but added a wealth of detail on how he dealt with the resulting addiction. I’ll add that in ancient days drugs were employed by the teachers to show the neophyte what to expect – but the neophyte had to cleanse themselves before initiation.

    Now: the issue of the beggar. We are all human, and as such, we all had an equal chance at the beginning of time. Some chose to strive, some chose to enjoy themselves. Some chose to do both.

    My point is, if you want to know if a person is willing to strive, look into their eyes. If they are dull and slow to move, that indicates someone who has a lot of challenges – now it has to be said that it is possible for any human to overcome their challenges. It is a matter of putting in the effort and having enough time to achieve this. What is important is the striving.

    “Er lebte in meiner Sehnsucht” is what Rudolf Steiner wrote in his evening verse for Wednesday. Roughly translated it says, “he lives in my striving”. That’s not an accurate translation, but the imagery is solid. Point being that if you strive, there are beings who literally live by this. Otherwise known as your guide or guardian angel. They are briefly described in the three verses for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday – and yes, we have three, each according to the level at which we strive.

    As humans, we are all equal in the face of God, save that we choose not to be equal. Those who strive for this will strive for their humanity.

  3. I’m sorry, but I think WordPress swallowed my comment. I did keep a copy of it as this is not an infrequent occurrence with their sorry excuse for software. If you find it in your spam bin, give it the once over.

    If it’s not there, I can repost it.

    Just to say that I am a friend of Mark who sent me a link to your blog. I’ll add that I was kicked out of the Fb Anthro group because I upset the weaker minded who had no interest in striving for the worlds beyond the abyss.

    • I’d be interested in hearing what you had to say. As you know, I wok at a bar and sometimes I’m frustrated at not being able to drink any of our crafty product! I’m taking it on faith that when Steiner said, “Not so much as one chocolate liqueur!” he meant it very literally.

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